Project Paper Birds

Summer 2020: Creative, Colorful, Curious

So I won’t be able to line this up perfectly as I’ll be abroad the first two weeks of September, but seeing as we’re nearing the five year anniversary of when this whole story began, I thought maybe I’d document that fall in real time, half a decade on. This is probably more for me than anything, as I’ve actually gotten a lot out of using social media as digital diary (like the vlogs). But I’m hoping the post-August 29th entries—so I guess, all of them except this one—will be informative, if not relatable as I dive into how dissociation showed up, fragments I got back, etc. 

As for the summer leading up to remembering…it was actually quite beautiful! I spent my days writing, painting, photographing, thrifting and baking. I was experimenting more with style and finally came to terms with being queer. Spent lots of time with my best friend and my nieces (sister’s family had just moved back in with us). I was also really excited about the upcoming semester: Despite being entirely remote, having near full control over my schedule meant more time for various projects, as well as logging extra hours at my then job in retail. I still had that streak of sadness, intertwined with the conviction I’d die bright but young. But overall I was quite happy, especially in comparison to the rest of my teen years. 

I was talking to a friend who also has ptsd not too long ago, and they noted how the onset of the disorder—and the realization of what had happened to them—was much more gradual, whereas I essentially have a day everything switched. As for how I feel about it all now…I’m very grateful to be where I am—I really don’t think I’d be as well-off. Hell, it sounds dramatic but I can’t even say I’m 100% sure I’d still be alive. Had things not unfolded so acutely, it’s very possible untreated complex trauma would’ve continued to eat away at me, and I’d oscillate in and out of depressive episodes believing it was a design flaw. 

“Everything happens for a reason” is a bunch of bull. But I do believe something beautiful and good can come out of every experience.