Project Paper Birds

A Million Layers Between Two Roles

Early on in the weekend, I was in full Paper Birds mode—emailing my editor, corresponding with Jim, combing through transcripts–and, consequently, it brought up a unique inner tension I’ve encountered a few times while working on this piece. Since it’s sort of an abstract look ‘behind the scenes’, I thought it might be interesting to share:

The older I get, the more I appreciate nuance, in life and media. But I understand there are some sentiments thought of as universally true that we cling to out of comfort. One of these that very much laid the initial groundwork for this film is the idea that sharing our stories is innately liberating. And while this is often the case, it isn’t always. 

While this project has granted a sense of fulfillment and connection I wouldn’t easily give up, I’ve also had moments where it’s done the exact opposite. It tends to surface when I enter full director mode and everything becomes a box to be checked: No longer am I an active participant in my own healing, but a utilitarian exploiting a version of myself to passive to protest. It feels gross and wrong and harmful. I feel disconnected from the things I experienced, and the only identity left is the person choosing to put it all on screen anyway. Because I don’t have a traditional memory—and I ‘forgot’ the trauma happened in the first place—guilt has been a reoccurring theme: Am I doing the right thing? Is this unethical? Can I live with myself if I put this piece out there and later change my mind on its morality? Those feelings get a bit louder in these moments.

I’ve been utilizing parts work in these instances, and I often imagine myself kneeling down to talk to my younger self, and ensure her her voice is very much heard and important. It doesn’t eradicate the feeling immediately, but it does help. But anyway, not a call for sympathy—I just thought it’d be interesting to give a look into what it’s like to play director and interviewee. I get asked a lot if this project has been healing, and the answer is always yes and no.