Project Paper Birds

Shame, Vyvanse & Doodles, Oh My!

A drawing I did depicting how my brain felt before EMDR, how it felt/feels ‘after’ two years of EMDR, and how it feels on Vyvanse, a type of ADHD medication. Might do a few posts related to this since it’s intertwined with the journey of Paper Birds. For now, a general update: 

I started Vyvanse last week and have since taken it four times. Unlike SSRIs, it’s fast-acting and leaves your system by the end of the day, so I don’t have to take it routinely, just as needed. I was expecting to feel wired taking a stimulant, maybe slightly ‘superhuman’. But no. I felt mellow and distilled. Usually my brain’s like, “Let’s do A wait no let’s stop and do D because D will be quick but what no we should be doing A and we really have to do B and oh my god you haven’t done this yet?? Bad! You’re bad!!” and it has severely hampered productivity. But now it’s, “Ok doing A. Now I’m doing B. Now I’m doing C.”

While I’ve had various ADHD symptoms present throughout my life, it wasn’t until really coming out of survival mode my issues with executive dysfunction soared. I was terrified I’d undone my maladaptive coping mechanisms just to find I was lazy and unreliable underneath it all. Feeling the pill work was kind of surreal, and at first a relief. But then it triggered a lot of shame. At the heart of it, the realization that I spent two years unlearning something was wrong with me, accepting that what was I was struggling with (complex trauma) was largely the fault of other people, and knowing that I could rewire my brain for the better. Having evidence—the meds working as intended—that my brain IS wired different has shaken me more than I care to admit, especially considering how at home I’ve felt in the positive beliefs I’ve built up. Put bluntly, I feel defective. 

At first I was like, “Girl I think you might be soaking in self-pity for kicks” but then I broke down in the car and I was like, “Ah so this DOES bother you.” It’s the first time in a while a roadblock has felt more like a setback than an opportunity. But alas, I know I’m time it will become the latter. Thankfully I see one of my favorite people in the whole wide world tomorrow night…my therapist! 🙂